P.S. It Is Over

My dearest Ameen,

As the days pass, I feel I am dieing. The loneliness eats my body, my mind, my soul. Piece by piece. I do not know till when can I continue like this. Every moment we had together is still alive in me, it is like it happens again every day. When I wake up, I smile because I have a message from you on the phone, I write you back and send you a kiss. Then during the day, when I go to school, or I am in the town, I get other messages from you, and I write you back to all of them. I talk to you, people say I am crazy. But I do not care. Then I go home, eat something and tell you bon apetit. Sometimes I make you a cup of tea, not to drink alone. I go and take a bath and imagine that you are here and as the water touches my body, I feel your hands on me. I go to bed late in the night, after we talk again. And I cry till sunrise. My pillow is all wet every day. I hold your t-shirt, I feel your smell on it and say to the walls that I love you.
But this is not life my dear. We have to stop fooling ourselves. We have to face reality. We live in a dream for so long, and although we do not want to wake up, we have to. You have to go on with your life, and I have to go on with mine too. I know it will never be the same, because you live in me, like I live in you, but destroying ourselves and making the people around us be sad by us being sad all the time is not a solution.
We did not have any chance from the very beginning. It was probably a mistake going to Istanbul, meeting, sleeping together. It was a mistake falling in love. It is funny how everybody sais that love is the most important thing on earth, that if you have love in your life, nothing else matters. These are empty words. We have love but no life, so what is the point in this? Before knowing each other we both had defined aims, we both knew that we have to learn and do something with our lives in the place where we belong. You could never feel good here and I could never feel good there either. We said all kind of stupid things to each other, made promises we can not keep.
We do not live in a fairy tale, where they live happily ever after, we live in this damned world that is full of pain, sufferance, war, hate. We found a little island of happiness and we enjoyed it. But now it is time to get on the ship and just go back to the old life we both had. We have to leave them all behind. Everything.
You know, time is a very good doctor, it will solve our problem too. It will not be easy for a while from now on, because we used to depend on each other, but it will pass. I am sure we will both look at the phone many times per day, but there will not be any message, no call, no mail, nothing. And this is how it has to be.
I ask you not to write me anymore, do not try to contact me, it is worthless. I also want you to know, that you are deep in my heart, and your place there can not be taken by anyone. I know that I will never feel the way I felt with you, and you will feel the same. But we have to keep these memories safe in the deepest part of our souls, in a place where nobody and nothing can reach them.
I want to thank you for everything you did for me, and I want to let you know that I will never forget you. All the words i told you were absolutely true, like my feelings. Pure, but immature. We have to grow up, though it hurts, and face the cruel reality around us.
Try to find happiness with somebody else. I hope you will find a girl who will make you happy and fulfill all your dreams. Maybe she is right beside you, just open your eyes and let her enter your heart. And please do not cry. It is not worth crying. I do not deserve any tear from you. I really wish you all the happiness from the world. All the world.

P.S. It has to be over.
Petra