Pain and Satisfaction

When she arrived at the airport, a woman was waiting for her. Her name was Azra, and she wore a black hijab, just like most of the Arab women. She welcomed her very warmly and Petra felt from that moment that she was in the right place. They made the 80 kilometers road with Azra`s car, an old green Kia. Petra was excited about her new job, a volunteer. But first she wanted to see the landscape. The road had many curves through mountains and valleys. Everything was empty. Without trees, without woods. But it all was very familiar to her. She knew these places. She had a strange deja vous, it seemed all very familiar to her, she knew this road, she even felt that she could find the refugee camp alone too.
After a while they entered Irbid and Petra kept looking out on the window.
"Is there everything all right?" - Azra asked.
"Naam, ana bas tabaani (yes, I am just tired)" - she answered and smiled to her.
Then she put her purple shal on her head.
"I did not know you want to wear a shal"
"Azra, could you stop the car a little, please?
Azra stopped and Petra got out. They were on the University street. Petra knew this place very well and remembered that specific night in Istanbul when she had her imaginary trip here, when she met in her imagination three people, Sahaar, Samaa and that rude boy, Jamal. She was searching for something. Well, for somebody. She wanted to look at everybody on the street, and she hoped for a well known face, well known eyes. Azra knew that there had to be something so she invited Petra to a coffee.
"I have been here, Azra. Wallah (I swear)."
"OK. You will spend a lot of time here with me, now please tell me what is going on with you."
Petra`s eyes were shining as she started to tell Azra her story. She felt she could have trust in her, she did not know why, she told everything. Starting with that autumn afternoon, continuing with Istanbul, the shal, the rings, the months after their perfect week, and how stupid she was for giving up, the letter she wrote to Ameen and how the boy respected her wish and did not disturb her. Then she told Azra about how the feelings she had did not stopped and she decided to come here to make Ameen`s dream come true.
"I thought things like this happen only in Hollywood movies." - said Azra and she was visibly surprised of all she heard. "We have to find this guy, your Ameen. Do you know where he lives here?"
"Yes. But how can I just go there? I do not think it is a good idea."
"Come on Petra. I will pay, you go and get in the car."
"Go straight, then turn to left, then you will see the Hussein bus station. Two more houses and there it is."
Azra stopped the car. But Patra got into panic, she felt bad, and asked Azra to drive away.
"Just go Azra. It was a mistake coming here. Please, just drive and I tell you now that I do not want to discuss about Ameen, nor about this night anymore. Never."

The months passed and Petra got used with the life she choosed. She lived in the camp, in a little room, but it was enough for her. Her Arabic became better day by day. She used to talk a lot with the women from the camp, tried to understand not just their lives as Muslim women, but their lives as refugees too. They were all Palestinians from Gaza. The Jordanian government gave them refugee status, so they were happy that they did not have to see all the blood that flew in the streets of Gaza. On their faces was desperation, fear of the day that would come. But also a sparkle of hope that some day they would return to their home.

Petra tried to do what her majesty Quenn Rania Al Abdullah wanted to do, to convince these people that they have a better chance for another life by education. She was a teacher at the school, but she also wanted to make the women from the camp to learn. So she organized courses in the evening for women. At the beginning there were just a few, but after a while she had many students who wanted to know everything about the big world beyond the camp. Petra had satisfaction when two of her students decided to go to the University in Irbid. She helped them get a scholarship, and guided their way through the exams that were not easy at all.

But she also had to face things that deeply hurted her. One day a young woman came to her and asked her advice.

"My husband changed. He does not want to sleep with me anymore, he does not even touch me anymore, except when he beats me. I can not live like this, but I have no other chance either. My parents died in Gaza, I have nobody on earth. What can I do?" - and she started to cry.

Petra knew very well that she had no chance at all at that moment. She wanted to tell her to leave and never look back, but she knew that would mean death to this woman, so she had to try something else.

"I think you should talk to him. That is the only solution. Didn`t he tell you why is he like this?"

"Because we could not have a child till now. He wants a child, but a child does not come just like that. You know what I mean."

"Yes of course. But do you love him?"

"Yes. With all my heart."

"Then go home, cook his favourite food, you will get to his heart again through his stomach. Wear something nice and tell him what he means to you, tell him what the life itself means to you with him. At least try."

After 2 months the young woman was pregnant. She went to Petra and asked her to help her buy baby clothes when the time would come.

But it was not always a happy end. One day she ran out from her room because she heard a big noise, and a kid crying. He was about 8 years old. His mates were all beating him. He was full of blood when she finally managed to get him out from their hands, she took him to the nursery and after he calmed down, she asked him to tell what happened.

"They wanted to lit up a flag. Israel`s flag. And I told them that I do not want to do that. My mom told me that it is not a good thing doing that."

Petra could not say a word. She went out and drove to Irbid. Her tears were flowing as she entered the little Christian chapel.

"Why are you doing this, God? When will this end? How much blood has to flow, how many lives have to stop until you will do something? These kids are raised to continue the hate, the war. Why did you do that damned place at all? Who cares now, after thousands of years what Abraham did? But you are still concerned about that, I guess. And do not tell me you listen to my prays, because you do not. How do you want me to believe if you do not show any sign that you exist?"

She was on her knees and cried. She wished the ground would open right at that moment and take her into the depth of the earth. She was at the end of her powers and started to wonder if this whole thing of becoming a volunteer was a good thing or not. She remembered her family, her home, and she decided to leave this dusty place and go back to her mountain. While she was thinking of this, and was on her way to call her mother, she heard the call for the pray yelling from every minaret and she knew she had to stay.

The hardest period of the year for her was around Christmas. Then she remembered herself as a little girl, when she celebrated Christmas with her family. Every year her grandmother took her and her brothers to the church, and when they got home, the Christmas tree was made, with all the gifts under it. She missed the specific smell of Christmas, the food her mother cooked, the cookies. And the whole Christmas spirit, of being better, sharing love and peace. She had nothing of these here. But around this period of the year she sang Christmas songs, decorated her room and told herself Merry Christmas every year. And there was something else too. Azra came to her and gave to her little gifts and she used to say it was from Santa.

The Big Eid, which is an important religious holiday for Muslims had something of what Christians call the Christmas spirit, so Petra loved this holiday too. It is a 4 day celebration when the children get gifts, new clothes and everybody is visiting his/her relatives. It is a holiday when all the Muslims remember the sacrifice that Abraham was ready to do at God`s command, to kill his son, Ismael. When God saw that his faith was indeed so strong that he was ready to do that, he sent a beef to be killed instead of Ismael. So it is a holiday of sacrifice. In many places people still sacrifice domestic animals and divide them into three parts. One remains for the family, one is given to the relatives and one to the poor.

At Eid the people from the camp were also happy, everybody could see the joy on their faces. The kids wanted to show Petra their new clothes, and many families invited her to lunch, to be beside them on the holiday. She accepted all the invitations, though she always spent the first day of Eid at Azra. She was a family member there. Azra cooked very well, and Petra loved the Arab food, she loved how all kind of tastes were combined. At the beginning it was strange, but after a while she got used with these tastes.
She was happy there. Every evening she went out and looked at the sky and told Ameen everything that happened with and around her. She hoped he would listen. Sometimes she felt him as he came with the wind, kissed her and went forward. And she still had the rings on her finger.