Back on the Bosporus

Petra locked herself in her room for a week. All she did was thinking about Ameen. She was checking her phone 100 times per day, although she knew that Ameen was not like the boys she knew. She was sure that if she asked him not to write, he would not. But still...she hoped. She wanted to turn back time, she wished she never would have send him that idiot mail. But it was too late. She continued writing to him, she wrote him a few letters every day, letters that she knew she would never send. Her room was a huge mess where chaos was the master, just like in her soul.

The city was taking a bath in the sunshine, it was spring again. The streets, the buildings, and of course the mountain enjoyed the light and warm. "Everything borns again..." - Petra was thinking. "But what for? To die? Yes. To die. It is just like with the humans. We start dieing from the moment we born. Some of us slowly, others faster. And who cares? This whole shit called life is death itself. And still, we all want it all so badly. For what? I know. To hurt and be hurted. To try to do something while you understand that you are a piece of nothing floating upon the great words which never meant anything."

"Maybe I should have tried to get pregnant. That way things would have been different. No, what the hell am I thinking about?"

"I wonder where he is now..."

"The city I loved so much since I was a baby is not my home anymore. I hate it. And the mountain...I hate it even more and I swear I will not climb it again. Why should I? It ate my life..."

These thoughts continued flowing out from her. She was lost. She did not want to talk, eat, she did not want anything anymore. She did probably the mistake of her life. She felt like a murderer, she killed life itself, the chance to be with the only person she felt safe with, the only man who made her feel special, and the only one who was capable to be happy with.
"I have to go to Istanbul." - she thought and started to pack a few things. She put her shal on her head and went to buy a ticket.
All the way she was looking out but she did not see anything. She crossed her country but she had no idea where she was.
"The last piece of hay... Those who fall out from reality, hold on to this. Half of my last piece of hay are you. The other half does not exist." - she whispered again. "None of the half exists anymore. I do not have anything to hold on to. I killed it all." - she thought and looked at her hand. She still had the rings on her finger. Did not have strenght to take them off yet.

The bus arrived exactly when the call for the pray started. Petra was shivering. The "Allah Akbar" was like electricity crossing her body. She felt dizzy. She wanted it to stop so she can not hear it anymore. It was eating her neurons one by one.
"I need to see the Bosporus. To be in Asia again." - she thought and bought a one day ticket to the little ship.
Petra let herself cradled by the waves and stood in the ship for hours going to the Asian part of Istanbul, then back to the European one, then back again, and so on for many times. And she was singing the same song over and over again. "Baddy eyak, ma tetrekny habyby, danie balak sadeny ghareeby" (I want you, do not leave me my dear, life without you is strange, I swear).
Then she talked to the rocks, to the sea, told them everything about what happened. She blamed herself for everything, she was even thinking of jumping in the water. But then she heared the call for the pray again and she did not do that.
After some hours a man went and said:
"Miss, are you OK?"
"No."
"Can I help you? I noticed you do not want to get down from the ship."
"You noticed well. I do not. I want to stay here and die slowly. Is that a problem?"
The Turkish man smiled.
"You remind me of Coelho`s Veronica."
"Maybe I am Veronica and I want to die. But maybe I will not, because I am not from Ljubljana."
"You still have some humor, so I guess you will not kill yourself. May I invite you to a cup of tea? Maybe you want to talk. Come on."
"I do not need tea, and I do not want to talk."
"Is the problem really that big?"
"I killed myself and the person I loved the most on earth. And if I tell you everything, I will have to kill you too."
The Turkish man said something that Petra did not understand and left her there on the ship. And she continued singing. These little ships do not cross the Bosporus in the night, so in the end she had to get down. She went to the hotel where she was with Amenn and rent the same room. As she entered, she felt the perfume of the rose oil and let all her memories come back again. She drank a bottle of wine, smoked two packs of cigarettes and talked to her memories all night.

Petra was very close to insanity. She came back to this city searching probably for some answers she needed to find, but those were not here, but in the deepest parts of her soul. She only had to turn into herself and try to fix her broken heart. No city in the world could have bring her back to normality but her mind which was at that point full of ridiculous thoughts. She did all kind of things she rejected before, like locking, walking without any reason, letting tears flow without a break and without end. But who can blame anybody for doing this after all she and Ameen lived? She did not need anybody to feel sorry for her, she did not need the pity of the people around her. It was something she had to solve only with herself.
"Ameen, I do not want to leave. I will stay here in this room and wait for you. You will come back here, I know. Of course you will come. Like I did." - she finally fell asleep with these words.